Several weeks ago I heard the remarkable Jenny Smith on Jeremy Vine’s program on BBC Radio 2. After more than 40 years, she still had trouble forming the words to describe the horrific abuse she had suffered at the hands of her partner. But form them she did and I cried along with her, for her and for the others treated as if there were something wrong with them, for inciting the violence they were the victims of.
It really isn’t too long ago that it was assumed domestic violence must be the consequence of something battered women were doing wrong. Worse still, it seems, that those who sought help were doped up with valium or referred to psychiatric services.
Amongst various treatments for her abuse, Jenny was subjected to Electroconvulsive Therapy – This because her partner beat her, because he burnt her, because he tried to drown her in the bath..
No doubt the people who believed this was somehow her fault may even still be alive. I can’t quite get my head around the limitations of those people’s thinking and yet they were in positions of power. Power enough to leave a woman literally running for her life because none of them were listening.
Jenny was one of the very first women to enter the world’s first women’s refuge in Chiswick in London in 1973 which was founded by Erin Pizzey.
To me we are most human when we attempt to understand another’s suffering, but we cannot do that without sharing the story first. So my heartfelt thanks and congratulations to Jenny for getting her story published.
I’d like to take the opportunity to honour her achievement in writing “The Refuge” – it’s on my Kindle queued up with some other memoirs as research I both look forward to and dread. I know it will both haunt and inspire me, so want to thank her for going through the pain of reliving the horrendous times, to place them on the page as record. I can only guess at how difficult that may have been, but listening to her, I know that it was.
This week over at the Carrot Ranch, Charli Mills’s Flash Fiction challenge is: In 99 words (no more, no less) write a story that considers history, near or far.
I’ve taken the liberty, as one or two others have, of condensing actual history to meet this challenge.
She should try harder; then it might not have been necessary. There must be something wrong with her. Was she so inadequate, she didn’t know how to keep her man happy? Ugo Cerletti was responsible for the latest insult to treat her ‘marriage problems’.
Now her man was out, the decision already made and no going back. She gathered the children and ran – afraid he would catch her first.
She borrowed money from neighbours for the bus and finally she was at Belmont Terrace being enveloped by Erin in hope and hugs.
“Come in Jenny. You’re safe with us.”
Refuge continues to offer women and children in the UK sanctuary from domestic violence.
If you would like to help Refuge with their work, need their help or would like to make a donation, please visit their comprehensive website here.
There is a growing awareness of domestic violence against men. Support can be found at Mankind who would be equally grateful for support and contributions to continue their work.
July 3, 2014 at 9:15 am
This is a powerful read Lisa, both what you share about Jenny Smith and her story and your own flash which is wonderfully told. I really need to get a Kindle so that I can read all these books! I remember Erin Pizzey.
My daughter (she is almost 22 and an Aspie as you know, still lives with us) tells me of all the abuse that goes on online against women still, even in our ‘enlightened’ society. Due to her Aspieness, she is quite the hermit for now, needing this time, and her life is largely online and she amazes me with all she knows about it. She writes several blogs and is also a proficient gamer but she has different profiles. She games in such a way that nobody suspects that she is a woman otherwise, she tells me, the torrent of abuse she gets is horrendous. She is respected, she says, because everyone thinks she is a guy (for this particular game). Reading your post made me think about this even more, in more ways than one…
As I wind my way through the writing of my memoir, I find what you share here also very encouraging and motivating for me to keep going, as you are with yours. What struck me especially are your words: ‘To me we are most human when we attempt to understand another’s suffering, but we cannot do that without sharing the story first.’
Thank you Lisa for all you share here.
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July 3, 2014 at 2:43 pm
It’s interesting to hear that about on-line nastiness. I wonder if that’s because there’s no witness to it, no peer or society pressure to conform? But also interesting that Aspie D can demonstrate their change in behaviour based on assumed gender. Frightening really – what that says about the individuals.
Thank you for suggesting I encourage and motivate you. Sometimes I feel I get much too little into the book. My blogligations (thanks Paula Reed Nancarrow for that one) are sometimes more than I intended but at the same time, this community is my greatest support! I am working up to posting writing updates as a way of self-coaching but fear the slow progress will be even more apparent!
Realistically I’m talking September anyway as the school holidays look very busy! Lisa x
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July 2, 2014 at 9:34 pm
I have been following the Bipolar Bum (http://thebipolarbum.com/) who is pretty insightful on issues around mental illness (which is just illness, that being one of his interesting gripes). It’s something I know little about having only a vague link with any sort of mental illness. Take a peek sometime.
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July 2, 2014 at 9:20 am
Great how you’ve linked this together with your flash, Lisa. Sadly there are still too many people with experiences like Jenny’s in the world. For a fictional take on this, especially regarding the “is she mad?” aspect, I’d recommend How to Be a Good Wife by Emma Chapman, which I’m featuring in tomorrow’s blog post.
When I first started work in a longstay psychiatric hospital in the mid-1980s, there were a couple of elderly women who had been institutionalised for the “mental illness” of giving birth outside of wedlock (excuse the antiquated language, but it seems appropriate for something like this). So we have moved on a bit!
Regarding the administration of ECT, no way am I trying to defend this, but it’s likely that she would have presented to doctors as depressed (would be difficult not to be if you’re living with someone who continually beats you up). Unfortunately, doctors are trained to view mental distress as an illness, so that’s how they’d treat it. I imagine they genuinely believed they were being helpful, but it’s hard to see how she would experience it as anything other than another physical attack. This attitude too is changing, although not fast enough in my opinion. There’s still a reluctance to acknowledge the roots of serious mental health problems, like psychosis, within childhood abuse and neglect.
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July 2, 2014 at 10:11 am
Ah yes, the quite war rages on between psychology and psychiatry. Another example of power and territory getting in the way of progress! – I know it’s not quite that simple, but scientific paradigms only seem to die out with the fossils that influence them and I’ve come across (second hand) one or two incredibly destructive career scientists preventing peer review publications that damage their work but would move the field on hugely.
When I was 17/18 (so around 1983/4) I worked at a mental asylum for the service element of my D of E. I was placed in an elderly womens ward – well sort of 40+ (seemed old at the time but looking back, positively young now..) Many of the women were institutionalised having been put there for getting pregnant out of wedlock. I remember the ward sister saying she didn’t see any men in the mens ward for the same ‘mental incapacity’. A good few were women with Down’s syndrome too. I’ve never forgotten the ‘wake up’ it gave me and do recognise how much things have changed. Nevertheless, we still fall prey to one set of rules for men and another, often harsher, for women – regrettably perpetuated by women a lot of the time. It takes a lot to shift the collective unconscious and actually helps me appreciate the progress on equality we have managed all the more.
Several people have recommended Emma Chapman’s book to me so I’m guessing the Universe is turning up the volume if you are also about to post on it! I look forward to reading that and ordering the book.
Thanks for highlighting the use of ECT for depression – I know it’s quite effective and can see they may well have been operating within their boundaries as medical professionals, but it serves to highlight that treating symptoms not causes – as is so true of cancer too – is never the cure. You can really only tackle something complex by getting to the route cause. Unfortunately, because we ‘silo’ certain skill sets with no-one responsible for the holistic view, people can end up with nowhere to turn or lots of treatment that will never solve the problem.
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July 2, 2014 at 3:23 am
Powerful.
When I was growing up, a mother and her young twins suddenly disappeared. Everyone was so very worried about the young woman who had been in so many accidents and broken several bones and suffered so many burns.
It was many years later–and even then my mother whispered to me what she’d learned–that the mother and her darling daughters were safe and thriving, and even though we’d never learn exactly where they were, we would say prayers of praise and protection for them.
It was a time of defining awareness for me.
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July 2, 2014 at 9:10 am
Hi Marylin – It sometimes takes an event closer to home for us to process these things doesn’t it but also the first time the cosy world you live in is revealed to be different for others does stand out – forever. I like that phrase ‘defining awareness’ – I have a few of those and know exactly what you mean. Lisa x
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July 1, 2014 at 10:57 pm
Thanks for sharing this story Lisa. It is such an important one. For so long the victims have suffered in silence, shouldering the blame and thinking it was all their fault. Finally our shared humanity is helping them see it is not their fault, helping them find their voice and release from their captor’s oppression. The quest for freedom is becoming rampant, not just from domestic violence, but all sorts of injustices. I read a great poem this morning, ‘It was not’ , about rape. I will link when I get back to my computer. Great message. 😊
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July 2, 2014 at 7:56 am
Hi Lisa, back again with the link form One Woman’s Thoughts http://goo.gl/Q786MV The discussion also reminded me of the book The Better Angels of Our Nature that I have been reading. It is a history of the decrease in violence, recommended to me by Geoff le Pard.
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July 2, 2014 at 9:11 am
Ooo! Thanks Norah – I look forward to having a look at that, Lx
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July 2, 2014 at 8:57 am
Thanks Norah – I look forward to reading that Lx
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July 6, 2014 at 11:42 am
🙂
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July 2, 2014 at 9:23 am
Yes, it’s interesting that violence is actually decreasing around the world, but our perception is different because of the news media which shows us that there’s always something dreadful happening somewhere.
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July 6, 2014 at 11:47 am
Yes, although it may be decreasing, there is still too much of it!
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July 1, 2014 at 10:06 pm
Your courage is boundless, Lisa. You wrote–“we are most human when we attempt to understand another’s suffering.” This foreshadows your own memoir, in that you are able to look at the hard sufferings of others with understanding thus you will share your own experiences is that same light. I think this is one of those processes that we don’t articulate as writers. It takes courage to confront and research dark issues in order to delve into and write about our own truths. For me, fiction creates a safety barrier through distance so that I can write about these topics without having to write about my experiences, as in a memoir. So to you who write memoir, I recognize your guts to do so.
It takes courage to advocate for someone like Jenny because most people–like those in power who could have helped–prefer the silence. What better way to shut up a woman than with Electroconvulsive Therapy (or Valium). And consider a moment the power of those authorities because that’s what domestic violence is about–power and control. Jenny dared to fight for her life, to speak up. That’s a threat to positions of power whether a husband’s position or that of a community leader. I don’t think they really believed it was her fault; I think they chose to focus blame on her so that power and control could remain intact. It’s not limited thinking so much as it is calculated thinking.
And your flash–wow! That first line is like a punch. But denial, even societal denial, is so much easier and people choose to take that path which makes it so hard for a woman to leave. Applause to those who create safe houses and can end these stories with “you’re safe now.” Your flash honors Jenny’s story. And it’s queued up in my Amazon Wish List.
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July 2, 2014 at 8:56 am
Thanks Charli. History shows us so many things but one of the most appalling is our collective cognitive dissonance – that ability to believe something in a way that makes it palatable and ensures the comfort of staying with the herd. That’s why propaganda is so effective, why certain marketing is. Not many people can actually be bothered to take a stand on anything so as soon as someone feeds them a line that enables an opt out (e.g. she must have done something to provoke him) they take it. Turning a blind eye is so easy compared to the conflict of addressing something. We’re all guilty at times!
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July 1, 2014 at 6:53 pm
Oh Lisa my skin creeps when I read about the awful horrors we inflict, human on human, but so often man on woman. I’m a evangelical optimist most of the time (I’m not half anything, just full) but Jenny’s story, the story of those assaulted by the Savilles and the Harrises of this world that we are discovering these past months, make me take a step back and ponder a lot. It is so easy to be flippant with the challenges so thank you and well done on introducing a change of mood and tone.
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July 2, 2014 at 11:27 am
Woman on woman too and woman on man – happened in one couple who’s wedding we went to – he was hit with frying pans and the like – he had to do a runner with the kids and then prove her behaviour. Very tricky. But as you note on your post ‘Upcycling Buildings’ it is inevitably about power.
“Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men.” – Lord John Dalberg-Acton (1834-1902) Historian.
When we got to the bits on The Tudors with the rack and graffic images of shoulders dislocating or lowering people into boiling oil – I couldn’t watch anymore. I know it’s not in a lot of us but seems hard to stamp out because those in power seem more likely to abuse their power. Because of that, I am totally humbled and in awe of those history shows us to be kind and measured despite great power – and many men have pushed for the changes we have seen in our lifetimes.
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July 2, 2014 at 12:07 pm
I don’t know if you’ve come across a psychologist cum philosopher called Steve Pinker and his work ‘The Better Angels of our nature’ http://stevenpinker.com/publications/better-angels-our-nature)? I mentioned it to Norah in another context recently and while it tends to be a bit heavy on the statistics with all tat that implies for dodgy theory it does give us some cause for hope. And since the demographists tell us that the world population will peak in this century and the greatest challenge is not a Malthusian fear of too many people but too few, we worry about the wrong things (like immigration). So, despite the obvious reasons to look at our shoes, Douglas Adams told us where that would lead (http://hitchhikers.wikia.com/wiki/Shoe_Event_Horizon) so let’s all look up and smile a little. 😉
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July 2, 2014 at 12:55 pm
Oh, I struggle with Steven Pinker I am afraid! Much of his work is surely brilliant and he should be commended for bringing some aspects of psychology into the public forum. However, having done an in depth piece of research into gender and mathematical ability studying for my MSc I’m very aware of his selective interpretations on the gender/maths/science issue. He now has a ‘power’ that dominates some areas of research. My tutor (a man) hated him for the damage his prominence has done to this field. It is a complex one. The more cautious (and I do believe realistic, when you look at how much our understanding of cognition has changed over the past 10 years alone..) psychologists believe we are still so much in our infancy in understanding some of these historical issues that we should stick to collecting more facts rather than speculating and extrapolating on the few they suspect we have as cause for doing less about them. That’s not to say there may be some innate gender differences, but there’s anthropological evidence to suggest we might create many of them. Also many found around gender and maths for example, can be eliminated by simply changing vocabulary in a test situation!
..But I hold my hand up and recognise I may have been indoctrinated in my two years at Leeds – it’s possible but my review of the literature suggests something different.
Let’s stick with the answer is 42 – it’s probably nearer the truth! Lxx
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July 2, 2014 at 3:35 pm
Hey, no worries; I’m the total layman here. My prejudice is more around the overwhelming pessimism that seems to pervade so much you read about where we are today and so I’m a sucker for some positivity. I’d be the first to say I don’t understand a bundle of what you are saying on maths and gender – you’d probably need to speak slowly with monosyllabic words for me to grasp the issue – but even I could see the selectivity that was inherent in a work that seeks to span such a period of time.
42 it is, then. That’s good enough for me.
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July 2, 2014 at 4:41 pm
Yes sorry – easy to switch into nerd mode and forget you’ve crawled up a gnat’s arse!
I can sum up some of it though with an interesting finding. If you sit a group of men and women in a room and give them a “Maths Test”, the men will do slightly better than the women.
If you sit another group of men and women (matched in every way possible for age, education, IQ etc) in the same room and give them the same questions but now call it a test of “Problem Solving” – there is no difference in performance.
If you put a mix of black and white army recruits on a parade ground along with a PT Sergeant, you’ll find the white men can’t jump as high as the black recruits if the PT sergeant is also black. If you give them a white sergeant and all other conditions remain the same – there’s suddenly no difference.
The reason these things occur is in response to something given the label “Stereotype Threat” so somewhere in those women’s psyches is something laid down that tells them they’re not likely to perform as well at maths as men but nothing is laid down about ‘problem solving’ so they don’t get hampered by subconscious lowered expectations.
The same goes for white recruits in army situations – they suffer the expectation that black men are better physical specimens. This expectation must therefore come from social conditioning and these sorts of findings only serve to draw attention to the difficulties in designing an experiment to prove gender, race, age etc differences – Pinker likes to ignore all this kind of stuff!
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July 2, 2014 at 6:39 pm
I love nerdy! Thank you. Fascinating and sort of not a surprise, is it? Of course if you carry on like that you’ll give eugenics a bad name… When you give your next lecture let me know, and I’ll book a spot!
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July 1, 2014 at 6:35 pm
Very moving story, Lisa – both yours and Jenny’s. Hard to believe we’re not very far removed from an era in which violence against women was so easily and often overlooked.
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July 1, 2014 at 6:50 pm
Yes, that very thought struck me at the time – that even in my lifetime there’s been such a wilful disregard of right and wrong, but then it’s still going on elsewhere, isn’t it.
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