Been there.. done some truly difficult stuff on my own because, well, who would understand? But you know what, someone to hold your hand or just be with you, even if they don’t see, hear and feel what you do, is still company.
In 2000 I was diagnosed with terminal cancer and thirteen years on, I’m still kicking around annoying the hell out of some people, as well as being a better Mum than I could possibly have been, had I been in the ground or scattered to the wind (at least I hope so, precious boy).
I fought a long and often lonely battle to get well, despite being ‘surrounded’ by friends and family. Sometimes my self-imposed solitude was to blame for that loneliness, but not always. It’s never easy being different, whatever your ‘different’ is. I found it difficult to put the words around the dreadful thoughts, that I believed others shouldn’t have to run through their heads. What I didn’t appreciate was that they can take more than you imagine. In not knowing how to trust them with some of that stuff, the consequences were more isolation, more loneliness and more stress when I already had enough of those things.
In 2008 I finally spiralled down the deep, dark well that is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I got out a few years ago but sometimes catch myself looking over the rim. If someone holds your hand when you’re near an edge, it’s much harder to fall.
Now I’m doing my best to write it all down to see if I can help bring hope or some little bit of inspiration to anyone else in a similar situation. I’m in the lucky, lucky position of having a publisher keen to help me, before I’ve even finished writing, but, hey! Guess what? Writing about this stuff isn’t easy and by necessity, is a very solitary activity.
Now I’ve learned a lesson about all of that, I’m sharing the process through this blog and plan to offload about stuff including how the writing is going. Hopefully that will feel like you’re keeping me company.